The first week after my surgery I felt fine and the second week I did okay. Then I had all my drains out and could drive so for the first time in a long time I decided to drive myself to appointments the hardest thing for me during this is asking for help or feeling like I am bothering someone.
So the first appointment I went to I think Carla actually came with me too I knew something wasn't looking right in all my stitching areas and I found out I had some necrosis developing my skin was turning black and basically some had died during the surgery the blood flow when sewn back together just didn't come back. Of course as soon as the doctor says this my anxiety starts to kick in and I am wanting to know what we need to do about it - he explained that sometimes it requires going back to the OR and removing the areas that are issues. Of course I had this happening on both sides I started to panic more surgery ... But he wanted to wait 2 weeks because there was so much swelling and other healing going on around the areas they needed to see if some areas would improve. Then I had an appointment the next day with my lymphedema therapist, I haven't mentioned what my pathology reports came back as but in all I lost 19 lymph nodes - 16 on my right side where all the cancer was with 3 of them having cancer and one the cancer was protruding out of. On that right side the chemo had shrunk my tumor to about half its size so it was just over 2 1/2 cm by something ... when removed however they also found cancer in the ducts this had not shown up on previous testing since it was smaller areas. My left side came back clear however they removed 3 lymph nodes from that side to test and all was clear, So as a result of losing s many lymph nodes on the right side I have experienced some issues with that arm, some swelling, movement issues and very very sore.
At this first therapy appt I had only been in there 5 minutes and started balling - no idea why just was an emotional wreck. Then she starts my therapy and feels a lump area under my arm and shoulder area... so she calls down to my oncologist and sent me down there right away to be checked. Yet again I cried my eyes out to my NP oncologist - still not sure really why. Then they sent me for an ultrasound and the lump could not really be confirmed as to what it was so my oncologist requested an MRI. I cried the whole drive home all I could think about was this was cancer again and was I now after everything going to find out that my cancer had spread - where my kids going to have a mother a year from now and how would I answer my little Andrew who is 6 and had been asking me each evening if the doctors had cut out all of the cancer.
The next day I had yet another appointment this one was a CT of my chest there are 3 nodes that they wanted to check they could just be left from a bout of bronchitis earlier in life but they could also be something else. I had been an emotional mess all night and went to the appointment on my own and get to the CT room and start to cry thank goodness for the wonderful medical people at the facility I go to - I was worried about the results.
For some reason this week really brought me down I did not want to talk to anyone and despite that fact that everyone may of thught I was okay I actually was spending most of my days crying. It doesn't help that during all this you are on so many drugs that affect you and then unfortunately I have not gone through the change and so my hormones were raging.
I am not sure why I spent hours crying, but I know during these 6 months I have kept it together I haven't really been angry or had any melt downs and apparently I needed to have some good crys I wasn't upset that I had lost most of my boobs but I do know I was starting to get depressed about the way I looked. I had gained over 30 lbs on all the meds and steroids during treatment and I felt like none of my clothes fit I looked horrible and I just wanted to look normal again and feel normal.
To top it off I am not used to being stuck in bed and not doing everything for my kids and it was taking a toll. The fact that Andrew needed hugs and his mom and I could barely be touched was breaking my heart. I have a few weeks I have no idea what my kids did at school then to top it off I wanted to support Hannah and show how proud I was that she tried cross country so I was trying to go to meets and by the time the meet would be over and I was driving home I was in horrific pain but I would of never told her that because I felt I couldn't miss these events.
At home I couldn't clean, do laundry or anything and it was slowly making me angry and sad I even was a tad mean to a few friends because I just wanted to be left alone.
I never realized I would have such a hard time post surgery that I would drop my child at school and cry as soon as I left the parking lot that I would be so mad over my home situation and feeling so alone despite having so many friends that have helped in so many ways but I did, I am not depressed just having off days. I am down to only crying 1-2 times a day from most of the day and I have realized that its okay to cry and release some of my frustrations however I do try and keep it private from my children. Its been 5 weeks and I am still frustrated because I am not healed and can't do all that I expected I could do at this point. My Hannah even took me for a pedicure and paid for it - she felt I needed something to feel better. She refused to hear no and to know she would do this just warms my heart she has been such a huge help she has helped to dress me when I cant get a shirt on, change banadages, help me with her brothers and so much more I find myself upset knowing she should not have to do all this but she wants to be my caretaker.
So currently I am waiting to find out what is going on with the complications with my skin healing that I will find out tomorrow another surgery will put me down another week as far as recoverty but at this point I should be so much further along the recovery point than I am. I also feel exhausted looking at my calendar and all the appointments the driving and time to get to them all is exhausting and I am to the point that I would rather drive myself because people have lives and they have done so much for me that I hate asking anyone to do anything more.
As I write this the thing that brings me to tears the most is how so many people have stepped in to help me or with my kids - the meals, the rides, the gifts, the cards and even cleaning my home its just been incredible and I can never thank people enough for the things they have helped me with. I have had a hard time allowing others to help me but realized that despite what I think I am not super woman and I have no choice to allow others to help.
Thankfully my lump is not cancer, God is good and answered prayers I know he will get me through this tougher time and that hopefully I will start to recover and these issues will resolve, Because of these issues I wont start radiation until later than we originally expected and my hysterectomy is scheduled for December 22nd I will have to spend 1-2 days in the hospital but will be home for Christmas. I hate to say but I cant wait until this year is over I just feel like next year has to be so much easier.
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