An Update and How can I help?

I have been wanting to write a blog post for a few weeks but unfortunately my right arm has lacked strength and so I just haven't picked it up. So I have posted tid bits on facebook but really wanted to write more.  Its hard to believe that its been 6 and a half weeks since my initial mastectomy.  I have to say that I had high expectations of what I would be able to do at this point, many people are fully released to go on with life and start radiation if that is part of their treatment plan.  Instead I am still recovering after having to have a 2nd surgery less than 2 weeks ago to remove necrosis and infected areas.  This surgery meant that all my original incisions were recut through the issues all cut out and my skin stretched to restitch in hopes that when they connected my skin this time the blood flow would be better and no additional issues would arise.  So as I sit writing this I am still sore, I still have stitches, I still despise sneezing because the pain is unbearable but I finally feel like I am starting to heal.  I have slept a lot, taken plenty of meds and really tried to rest which if you know me that is hard but I have realized I need to heal SOON.  I need to be able to resume simple activities that are still hard to do some days.

I have tried to express how I have honestly felt during this battle because I think it's important for my friends to know that and a few weeks ago as I was encountering complications, getting frustrated over my lack of recovery and just felt like every doctors visit brought on a new issue for me I really had some emotional breakdowns.  Until this point I hadn't really had any major issues with dealing with my personal issues and medical issues.  Because of the delays with my recovery I also am taking some additional meds that affect my moods and I just had enough.  I hadn't lost my faith but I had several days when I wasn't sure if I would laugh or cry.  Not only was I emotionally a mess I was feeling down with the weight I had gained from meds and living in yoga pants and tshirts all summer I just had stopped caring.  My eyebrows and lashes were returning but my hair has been slow to want the return so its not quite at a point that I am confident to just go hat or wig less yet.

To top it off for the first time since my cancer diagnosis I was seeing it really affect my kids and this has been by far the hardest thing I have dealt with, The second surgery did not help matters where Hannah seemed to take things well and continue to think she was my nurse and needed to take care of everything my boys were starting to get emotional and still are having some rough days dealing with the fact that I have not been my usual active person and they just don't understand.  For the first time I felt like I was failing, forgetting things, not being able to keep up with what they were doing in school and with all my stitches they just couldn't snuggle with me.  They have been sad and very needy for their mom and I have woke up many nights and cried over how this horrible disease has hurt not only me but my kids it took their summer vacation since I had chemo, I have guilt over what I can or cant attend at school then I think ahead to my next surgery a hysterectomy that will hopefully be done by a robotic version on December 22nd so that I only spend 2 days in the hospital, but I have to be aware with my situation if they can not remove everything needed that way I will endure a traditional abdominal cut and have to spend Christmas in the hospital then I think to myself how they have to endure another school break with their mom recovering yet again from something and unable to do things.

So this week I have still had some ups and downs and most of them are really just because my heart is breaking for my kids and some days its just because its hard to be alone and facing so many hard decisions and procedures.  Medically I feel better than I have in weeks despite the fact I spend 2-4 days a week at appointments and the time I am not there well I have spent napping more than often not something I would normally do.

During all of this so many people have helped in so many ways and I know before my cancer I never knew what to say or how to help someone I mean I will be honest if you say to me call me if you need help with anything I probably will never call you.  That's just me I am used to doing things myself whether I should or not.  I recently explained to a few close friends whom said that people want to help but I wont let them that it is not that I wont let them its just if someone wants to help me they have to say I am stopping by Tuesday at 10 am and would like to sit and spend time with you and help with anything you need help with.

So for those of you wondering how you can help others in similar situations here are some things people have done or just ways to approach helping. 

1.  Pray for the person but not only the person, their caregiver and their children. I am so thankful that despite all of this I have my faith I just don't know how someone that doesn't know God gets through some of the struggles I have encountered this year.

2.  My hardest thing was to let people clean my home - seriously who wants to scrub someone elses toilets but a group of ladies sent me a text and said they would be at my home at a certain time and to have a list of items that needed to be done,  The best thing was that I had an appointment so they came in and did things while I was gone because if you are an OCD freak like me its just impossible to sit and let others to something like this.  But, I am glad I let these special ladies do this for me.

3. Food, I hate putting people out and meals are hard but they are such a blessing.  The first few weeks people brought meals every day or so - one suggestion is put your meals in containers that don't need to be returned.  I also tried to make a list of what my kids liked and did not but I wastnt worried about me for meals because honestly I wasn't always feeling well.  Then at the end of this a friend dropped off several sets of frozen meals so as I was able to get up more but not recovered enough I had easy meals that just needed to be warmed and served. Another thing that some amazing ladies did for my kids was they gathered easy breakfast items for them to grab to eat so when I was having a rough morning my kids could grab something easy, they were simple things pop tarts, mini muffin, etc but this was a HUGE help since I take pain meds mainly at nightwaking up in the morning is rougher.

4.  Cards - I can say there are a few individuals that have sent me a card every week since my diagnosis.  In the beginning of your sickness you get lots of cards but as the weeks and months go by they subside and its during that time you sometimes need the cards the most.  I have saved every card I have received sometimes I just pull them out and read through them for encouragement.  Also consider sending a caregiver or children cards.  I never thought about this until recently when Hannah was taking over this mother like role and so many responsibilities and so some special ladies sent her cards and even a few gifts to let her know how proud they were of how she was helping.  I can say she has felt so special that people have thought of her.  I even think my boys would love some cards.

5.  Gifts - I have rcvd so many gifts during these past few months from pizza gift cards to order pizza on a night when I am too tired of cooking (one thing to think of when doing this for a friend is what places deliver to a person;s home).  A few individuals have given me gift cards to food places my kids love so on days when I felt well I could take them out for a meal at a place they love this has been such a blessing for them because sitting and having dinner at a special place with their mom is huge.  Other gifts have been my favorite candy, books, flowers, pajamas for during my recovery and so many other things.  I have also had an individual give me a gas card I can say this is a huge gift for someone with medical issues, it takes me a little over an hour to get to where my care is at.  Right now I travel there 2-4 times a week this is something that becomes a huge expense for people.  Cancer is not cheap, this year I had to pay over $14,000 in bills before my insurance covered things 100% and I still have to fight on expenses, there are also the special bras, the medical supplies and more that don't get covered by insurances like mine and then hats and wigs.  A huge blessing was individuals helping with my hats and wig these items add up tremendously and when I no longer need these items I hope to bless a special person with some of these because I truly believe in returning the blessings I have rcvd.

6.  Rides... I don't like to ask for them but offering to drive a friend to an appointment or just to keep them company for the drive they make is also great. If they have kids offering to drop/pick up kids this has been huge because it has allowed me longer lengths of time to rest or saved me when appts get delayed.

7.  Encouragaement - with my downs recently friends have had me go to breakfast with them or shopping for some new clothes to make me feel better, just a text some days goes a long way. Just a visit and a talk can make a world of difference.

8.  Pictures - with so many appts I have missed a lot of time with my kids and the one thing I am so grateful for is those that realize and see I am not at events and take pictures of my kids and text them or email them to me I cant even describe in words what this means to me.  I have always been there for everything and now I am rarely able to attend anything and it saddens me more than anything because my kids miss having me at events but I have had to put appointments and treatment first and before them on many occasions. 

So no matter what you do for your friend any little thing helps but sometimes you just have to step in and do what you think they need help with if you are dealing with someone like me that is used to taking care of everything themselves.

I am so grateful for the help its been huge I am hoping in the next week that I can get back to painting and creating because that gives me a peace my lymphedema therapist has been working on my right arm and I finally have some of my movement back and feel asthough I can go create something.  I know that once I can get back in to doing some creative stuff my spirits will rise but my evenings I am tired and I have felt that spending time with my kids has been the most important thing so we lay in my bed and watch shows or have 15 min of me and just one of them time to talk about their concerns and fears. 

Everyday I have a fear, the fear that with my genetic testing that my cancer will return no matter what I do, I am terrified of radiation, the machine, the laying there on your own while it sends beams at you scares me but I have to trust that if I do everything possible things will work out and that this year is just a year of my life that I am learning how to deal with struggles, how to rely on God and people more and how to show my kids that no matter what the odds are you can be strong and do great things.

I apologize for those days whe I write a post that is discouraging on facebook, the one thing I vowed was to stay positive during all of this but sometimes we need to get things out.  I am angry there are lots of things I am angry about but I am trying to realize I can't live my life being angry about things I cant change instead I need to live each day to the fullest because we are ot guaranteed tomorrow. 

This past 7 mths has been a long road and its far from being over I still have several procedures I have to endure over the next 6 mths and treatments and I know I will continue to have good and bad days I have found humor to be my way of helping me through all of this. As I close this post I ask that you continue to pray for me and my kids especially my boys whom emotionally have been struggling lately but pray for Hannah too she trys to take on everything and she is a kid too and that is not her place.  Pray that my slow recovery will start to speed up so I can be more of myself again.  There are friends around me experiencing far worse situations and pain than I am and so I have to learn to be more grateful for those little things.  But I ask that you understand that somedays are not good days - just a small comment might leave me balling and do not take offense to it - some of my meds unfortunately have that side effect with them but I have no choice and must take them.  I really try hard not to let my children see me emotional I don't want them to worry more and my boys are still unaware that I am dealing with so much more than just cancer in my life and that somedays its just hard to accept.

As always I appreciate every person and hope that in the future I can take my list of suggestions and help someone else in need.  I think daily how grateful I am for wonderful friends, incredible school staff and strangers that do so much tohelpme through this time.