Finding the new me after the storm...

So I haven't blogged much since my initial surgery on August 29th and there are many reasons for that but all in all I just didn't feel up to it emotionally and physically.  The months of September and October were probably the hardest on me by far.  Which may surprise many since people always think the chemo treatments are the worst part of cancer.  But during the 2 months after my surgery I found myself discouraged and emotionally drained and frustrated that physically I was not healing as well as "I" wanted and the whole combination of things really sent me through a rough patch, the meds they had me on didn't help with that situation.  It took 10 weeks and 2 surgeries for me to finally get the okay that I was healed enough for radiation and during those weeks leading up to radiation I started having terrible anxiety.  I was terrified of getting radiation - laying on a table that's raised up and as still as possible in a pillow mold while a machine would shoot radiation into me.  I even considered not doing radiation but I have 3 kids that deserve more than their mom quitting when I have come so far.  So my doctor convinced me to go to radiation and take some meds that would make me calmer.  I did that the first day and the second day, between the meds and a towel over my face and my play list I made it through.  By day 3 I was thinking I can't have people drive me to radiation every day through the middle of December and I hated being out of it for 3-4 hours after wards when my boys were home from school and need their mom most.  So on Day 3 I went in first thing and asked if I could just see if I could do it without meds.  I did it!!! This was a huge accomplishment for me. 

So Radiation officially started on Halloween and I went to my first one dressed in my Halloween costume because I have found if I don't make myself laugh I will cry so I would rather take life and enjoy it.  My costume was a cancer patient, I know very original! I actually borrowed a lovely gown from one of the places I go - I say borrowed because I don't want anyone to think they need to nail items down before I come to their houses ..and because I did return the gown after my day of fun.  I wore long cancer socks and slippers with it and well when my friend picked me up she also made me put some shorts on under it - I originally was going for the full effect of a patient she didn't think that was quite appropriate for going out. 

I just finished Day 15 of radiation, I go every morning as soon as I drop the kids off at school and it takes about 15 minutes or so sometimes longer if they need to work on getting the machine lined up with all my markings (my one side is covered in black X's and marks).  Then on Monday's I also see the doctor.  My skin is burned and sore now and I just made it half way through these treatments so hopefully my skin will survive the 2nd half without major issues. 

I am starting to feel better everyday and do more and more everyday.  Just over a week ago I went to a Cancer Retreat and it was all women and at the end you could share - the only thing I shared was that I had thought it was a Spa retreat and the Meditation and Yoga like activities were a little out of my comfort zone, I am not one to sit still or be quiet for long so the fact that I made it through the day was amazing.  But one older lady said that she learned that day that she needs to love herself again.  Over the past week I have thought about that more and more.  Cancer changes you so much, your looks, your perspective on life, your kids and when its all over and done I think we can probably look at ourselves and not be happy with how we come out of everything looking.  I know for me it was hard when the pounds kept stacking on during my chemo treatments and by the end of those I was 30 lbs heavier, then you lose your hair and you lose it a lot faster than it comes back in.  For me that's probably a tough area I am in now, wanting to have back longer hair and looking at it just coming in very slowly and a tad greyish I tease and say cancer aged me 20 years.  Then there are the scars from any surgeries you endure and although they fade over time you still have them.  But, this learning to love yourself hit home to me more than just with my cancer.

As the holidays approach and I am faced with having events and times where my kids will be with their father and not me I thought about how I need to accept what I can't change and learn to love myself as a single person.  As hard as that idea is and scary.  So I have thought back how over the years I have always put everyone else first - which I will still continue to because that is me.  But, I also now realize I have to do things for me.  I need to get a pedicure once in a while, go out and have fun even if it means going out by myself because it's hard when you no longer have a spouse in the picture but everyone around you does.  I also need to focus on things I love like woodworking and painting and go places I want to go.  I have realized that I can't just sit around I need to pick up the pieces of my life that have been broken over the past year between the cancer and my marriage ending and find a way to make new pieces and go on. I am so thankful for good friends, my faith and my kids. 

Last month a friend gave me concert tickets to see Casting Crowns.  If you have read any of my previous posts you know that the song Just be Held was one that I would play as a reminder of why I needed to stay strong and despite all the hardships I was facing over this past year that God has held me through them all. Well I will be honest I am not much of a music person I listen to songs couldn't tell you who sings them or anything about the groups.  These tickets were given to me in the midst of my time when I was struggling with not recovering well and the timing could not of been more perfect.  So me and my best friend went to the concert and I never knew the lead singer had battled cancer a year prior I remember people talking about praying for a Christian singer I just never put anything together - so halfway through the concert he starts to talk about his cancer and how hard it was to tell his kids and well it was all over for me I was bawling.  The song Just be Held he had wrote several years prior and unlike most of his other songs that were written from some experience there was no reason for that song.  But, he said it was one he went to when he found out he had cancer.  During his cancer diagnosis he also wrote a song called Oh My Soul ... I think I live under a rock as I felt like I was hearing the song for the first time but the words spoke to me its now on my radiation play list.  The concert was very emotional for me but spiritually it gave me that lift I needed. 

As I close this post I hope I will be more regular about my postings, but I ask you to think about one thing that has really stuck with me lately is when we look at one another we never know what someone is experiencing in their life, be kind.  Just simple words of kindness can go a long way for someone experiencing hard times.  Two weeks ago I found me reminding my daughter of this.  She was out and a fellow student tried to talk to her and she blew him off and was a snot and I was appauled.  I have always taught my children to be kind to everyone so I had to explain to her that just saying hello to this student and acknowledging them may of made his day that she doesn't know what he is experiencing in his home life just like many do not know what she is dealing with.  I hope she remembers that talk because we sometimes fail as humans to be kind and speak kind words to one another.  Some things we are going through people may never know. It wasn't until I had my cancer diagnosis that many people noticed something wasn't right in my personal life too.  I had kept quiet about the fact that last November one day my life turned upside down and I was asked for a divorce, no one noticed over the holidays because its sometimes easy to cover up our problems to people.  I still wonder if I had gotten cancer would people other than a few individuals know that I was going through so much more in my life.  I am glad for the lessons I have learned this year I know that I will come out of all of this a better person. 

If you have never heard the song Oh My Soul just take time to listen and hear the words.