How has your life changed?

The past nine months have been the hardest months of my life but amazingly enough its been the time I have felt the most blessed in my life.  I like to look back at this picture of me and a few of my close friends on New Years Day waiting for the Dillard's doors to open for their annual sale and see how much the physical appearance of a few of us has changed since then but what we don't always see is what may of been going on inside of us and changing. For instance look at me I had hair, a smile on my face like everything was great and probably had my cancer already at this point.  But I had trials going on within my personal life that you couldn't see in this picture. Trials I had yet to even share with my closest friends even though I had been facing them for weeks at this point.

My personal trials were kept secret from many, finally revealing them to just a few close friends because you eventually need an outlet and "your people" along with God to get you through those tougher things.  As my close friends supported me with my trials I had no idea that God was about to throw another trial in to my lap when I discovered I had cancer.  I remember thinking on that Wednesday after my biopsy what did I do to deserve all of this - I kept it hidden but I felt my life was falling apart and I was waiting to see what was going to happen next because I wasn't sure I was strong enough to handle anything else in my life - I didn't think I was even strong enough to handle what I was already being faced with which was cancer and dealing with the fact that after 16 years my marriage was potentially ending.  

I honestly wasn't sure how I was going to get through all of this.  I looked around me and I have such a wonderful group of friends that have been such examples through struggles in their lives and I told myself I want to be like that.  So I vowed not to mention about my marriage to people I would just I guess ignore that issue because I had a bigger battle and that was getting well and I was going to do it and without complaining.  Anytime I start to feel just a little down I remind myself there is someone out there that is facing far more than myself.  Every time I have worried about something whether its my kids, a need or a test result it has been taken care of.  I have God to thank for this! Some would say how can you keep your faith when faced with this, many would of turned away.  But, I have seen over the past few months how EVERYTHING that has happened to me is part of God's bigger plan that I can not  - nor will EVER understand but I must trust in.  

A few blog posts ago I mentioned a song that really has meant a lot to me during the past few months its by Casting Crowns they are a Christian group and the song is called "Just be Held".  If you have never heard this song or even if you have I ask that you go to this link and play it really listen to the words.  ... Your world is not falling apart it is falling into place ... has really stuck with me throughout these months.  This song has come on the radio at the right times and been such a comfort to me. 

I struggled with whether to write this specific post for a few weeks now, I know so many of you knew that I was struggling with more than just my cancer diagnosis and you never once brought up the other struggles knowing how hard it has been for me to deal with.  I also refuse to have sides taken, we all make mistakes and the decision regarding the marriage was in place before my cancer.  My children are naive to why their parents reside in two areas of the home and barely talk (or at least I like to think they are - so I do ask that you be mindful of not saying anything about this in front of them).  They are not aware of what will happen when my surgeries and treatment end and I am able to find a job.  I pray every day that they will be comforted in my recovery and not dwell on the changes that will come to their lives in the next 6 months or so.  I ask as my friend that you continue to pray for me and my family.  Do not feel sorry for me, I have not been alone, I have God, I have amazing friends and the support of so many and all of this helps me get through everyday.  I won't lie and say some days are not hard or scary - they are! 

There are so many people that have helped me these past few months that if I listed names I would leave someone out and I hope if you have I have thanked you personally.  I have never ever felt so blessed.  I also ask that you pray and keep my parents and siblings in mind.  During all of my testing I was found to be positive for several cancer genes.  They are awaiting their results that will show who else in my family might have these genes (BRACHA & Colon Cancer).  My parents are also dropping everything - for my mom the time will be during her busiest work time to come and help me during my surgery.  I am so grateful my mom said she would come, I don't like to ask anyone for help.  My friends know that and so that has made this time period tougher because there are days when you simply can not do it alone.  I am so thankful that I have faired through chemo fairly well.  I wouldn't say its been easy because it is not - its not like a cold and just being under the weather.  There are side effects that occur from the drugs that I can't explain how they feel to you - like when it hurts to walk because of the bone aches or your hands and feet are tingling from the neuropathy, but I refuse to sit around and complain I just do what I need to and deal with it.

Before I close I of course have to reveal a new look... never say never... I said in the beginning I would NEVER wear a wig well I was wrong - when you have no hair and no eyebrows and you wear hats and you feel like people are always staring then you look at your face that is blown up from all the steriods and fluids then get on the scale to see you are 30 lbs heavier well it starts to wear on you. I felt like I looked normal again on Saturday for the first time in months.  Of course, my bff had to come with me to pick out a wig.  My bff has been there for everything for me over the past few months.  I could not of gone through my biospy without her holding my hand, my MRI she held my hand, my port surgery she held my hand and took care of me for my tougher chemos she sat through and then came to my house overnight when I wasn't feeling good and the things she has helped with for my kids.  I will never forget all that she has done for me.  If you don't know my bff then you are missing a blessing.  We love to do fun and crazy things I am really hoping that HGTV will pick us up for a show we want to name it "Too much Junk in my trunk" ... (and we are not referring to the sizes of our backsides :) 

Thank you for reading all my babbling I have said it many times I am not a writer by any means ... my fun is painting, creating and junking!!! But, I want to share with my friends so I can help others along the way. 

PS ... If you want to happen to write HGTV and tell them what a great show idea I have ... Carla and I are all up for having a series.. :)